I usually have a lot of free time in my schedule. After the morning feeding, I spend several hours swimming and floating. One of my favorite games is following the fingers tapping on the glass. That’s because I am a fish, and I live in an aquarium.
As the leader of all fish, I was asked by a reporter recently [who was reporting on the incredible violence done to humans and their property in Florida, Houston, and the Caribbean] to denounce Water, and its damaging effects on creatures that are air breathers. As the good centrist fish that I am, I was first quoted as saying that “both sides” are to blame when this kind of violence escalates. I mean, have you seen what cool mist humidifiers and ship propellers do to water?
But just last week the Chondrichthyes Congress voted to formally call on me to denounce the free rein that water was given to rain down during the reign of Harvey, Irma, and the inundation of their younger relatives.
That’s right. Me, a fish, has been ordered to denounce Water Supremacy.
Now you see the problem I’m faced with. I don’t really know what Water Supremacy is. Without water, my entire electorate can’t breathe. I get all of my political support from these supposed Water Supremacists, and my entire political career has been structured around my need for water. If I don’t renounce it, I’m a bigoted “elementist”. If I do, I become a traitor to my own needs and lose the support of my base.
On the other hand, I could just say what they tell me to say, and then go off-teleprompter and totally obfuscate the message anyway.
See, I can say anything they want me to say, but at the end of the day, I will still be so surrounded by water that my statement will hold no weight. Sure, okay, “I officially denounce Water Supremacy,” and “Both air and earth also have the fundamental right to exist,” and “Loving water does not always end up leading to the Final Solution for other elements.” I mean, there are both dirt and water in this made-great-again tank of mine, and they both play valuable roles. The black and brown earth is really an amazing cleaning mechanism as it filters floating particles, and the air helps replenish the oxygen and other nutrients that I need to survive. In fact my whole existence is built on the backs of the labor of earth and air.
But what the Congress is demanding is for me to pretend that water is not the greatest of these three elements. Are they just kowtowing to their more earthy and airy constituents? Part of me believes that they don’t even know what they are denouncing, because if they did, they would agree with me! Why shouldn’t I want my water to be pure and unadulterated against the coming genocide threatened by the mixing of water, earth, and air found in these hurricanes?
Ultimately, this is about the survival of my species.
Do they want me to breathe carbonated mud?